


that's what makes you a beluga whale

by pbanjali



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, THIS IS CRACK FIC, and also there are mermaids, this is the crackiest crack fic, zayn is literally a whale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-07 22:01:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1124877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pbanjali/pseuds/pbanjali
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>zayn is the long-lost prince of the narwhal kingdom. it's a pity he doesn't know it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	that's what makes you a beluga whale

**Author's Note:**

> This is completely [Tori's](http://onedirectionetc.tumblr.com) fault, and also a crack fic. I apologize profusely in advance.

Zayn is terrified of open water. Has been since he was a baby and his cousin threw him into the ocean, says his mother. Didn’t take a bath for weeks, she continues, and Zayn had shot her a look like, _mum please, stop talking about my personal hygiene while my very-new boyfriend is eating with us for the first time._

Zayn is terrified of open water, and all of his friends know it, but all of his friends are also massive cocks, and so Zayn should really not be surprised by his current position of clinging to the top of a much-too-vertical rowboat as it sinks into the English Channel.

“Zayn, just jump,” Louis yells, arms outstretched as if the fucker would catch him and not just dunk his head under the water. Or maybe he would catch him, but impending doom does not a generous Zayn make.

“You planned this, didn’t you,” he yells back.

“Yes, Zayn, I lured you out of your cave of rejection and self-pity into a boat and then Niall forced you to sit on the flare gun and shoot a hole into the floor. All so we could mess up your quiff and then submit you to the nearest wet t-shirt contest. Now jump, you idiot, Harry can’t keep the boat vertical much longer and we’re literally 10 feet from the shore.”

Insults are terrible motivation, Zayn thinks, and then he lets go.

He prepares himself during the fall for a few things: for hitting the water hard and for being submerged in salty water and for the sting in his eyes he remembers only from the aforementioned beach-throwing incident and crying. And Louis does not catch him, the fucker, but Zayn was also prepared for that.

He is not prepared, however, for the cold hand that wraps around his ankle and the voice that whispers _the prince has returned._

Zayn is floating under the surface of the water, eyes open wide and limbs barely moving as he stares down at the merman currently attempting to drag him further down.

He’s kind of hot, Zayn thinks, as his fight-or-flight response sets in and he kicks Hot Merman squarely in the face before doggy-paddling his way to the top.

He hears his friends calling for him and feels Niall’s hands come under his armpits and drag him out to shore.

“Y’alright, mate?” someone’s asking him, but Zayn can’t focus enough to figure out who it is until they prod at Zayn’s calf and it sends a shot of pain through his entire body. “Looks like a jellyfish sting or something.”

“Mermaid,” Zayn says, and whoever’s poking at Zayn’s leg responds, “no, just Harry.”

“Mermaid,” Zayn repeats, and someone closer to Zayn’s head says “right, so we’ve definitely broken him then.”

“Mermaid,” Zayn says one last time, before passing the fuck out.

\---

Zayn wakes up the next morning in his bed, a bandage wrapped around his leg and a massive headache on the horizon.

He pulls himself out of bed, wincing when he puts too much weight on the leg with the bandage and trying and failing to remember why it was there in the first place.

He walks up to the mirror hanging on the back of his bedroom door, where someone (Louis) has drawn a life-size mermaid tail in dry-erase markers such that if Zayn stands in exactly the right spot, it looks like it belongs. There’s a post-it note that says Good morning, merman, call me when you wake up.

Right, a mermaid grabbed his leg yesterday in the English Channel. Zayn nods his head consideringly and then walks to the kitchen and pours himself a full cup worth of hard liquor.

Good start to the morning.

He’s just gotten out of the shower, and is sculpting his hair into his daily masterpiece (today, it resembles the water spraying out of a whale’s blowhole because he is a survivor of the open ocean and the people should know it) when his phone rings.

“Good morning, you fucker,” he says, except that isn’t what he says.

“Zayn, what was that,” Louis responds, and Zayn genuinely has no clue.

“I think it was a whale noise,” Zayn says, and this time it’s decidedly human in tonality. Louis laughs. Zayn sits down on the floor of bathroom and starts to unwrap the bandage around his leg, wishing he’d done it before his shower.

“Listen, Zayn, I’m genuinely sorry about what happened yesterday,” Louis is saying, and Zayn isn’t really listening because the skin under the bandage is most likely not his.

“Louis,” Zayn says, “I think I’ve got to go,” and if the “o” are a bit longer and deeper than appropriate for his specific type of mammal, then Zayn isn’t thinking about it as he wraps the leg up in fresh bandages and calls 9-9-9.

\---

“So let me get this straight,” the doctor says, “a merman grabbed your leg, whispered something prophetic, and now you’re turning into a whale.”

“Well, when you say it like that,” Zayn says, and the doctor responds with “I’m not exactly sure how else to say it.”

“Mr. Malik, your leg is completely fine, there’s just a slight inflammation on the calf, most likely as a result of the jellyfish sting. Do you have someone I can call to come pick you up?”

Zayn says no, and the doctor calls Louis anyways.

“Listen, Zayn,” Louis starts, and he’s squirming a bit which is how Zayn knows he’s about to try talking about something deep and covered in emotions and feelings, so Zayn just crosses his arms and tries to not think about how, before leaving the hospital, Zayn had combed his hair down to cover the odd shape his head was beginning to take.

“The doctor says she’s seen this before, that it’s a call for attention or something. And, christ, I know this year’s been tough for you,” Louis continues, “with Liam disappearing on you and whatnot, and if you like, need someone to talk to, then I’m here for you, buddy.” He attempts an awkward pat on Zayn’s shoulder while keeping his eyes fixed on the road in front of him, and Zayn uncrosses his arms and puts what appears to be a fin over Louis’ hand.

“Your hands are so wet, gross, Malik,” Louis says, and Zayn just tries to figure out where his ring went during the transformation from hands to fins.

Zayn doesn’t let Louis into his flat. Instead, he strips down (a tough feat, now that he lacks opposable thumbs) and stands in front of his full-length mirror, wondering how no one’s noticed yet that his torso has been replaced by a sleek, white whale body.

A couple of hours later, Zayn finds himself getting out of a cab at the Channel, making sounds he hopes conveys his gratitude to the driver. He wades into the water, ignoring the fear pressing against the backs of his eyes and the fact that his leather jacket is most definitely going to be ruined by this.

“Merman,” he yells when he’s four feet in, “merman, why?”

He’s ten feet in and marveling at how easy swimming is with fins when he feels the hands wrap around his tailfin (that’s new, Zayn thinks) and drag him down.

\---

Zayn must blackout, because he wakes up panicking on the channel floor, before realizing that he can, in fact, breathe.

“That’s cool,” he says, and the merman sitting in front of him looking worried smiles.

“Prince,” he says, bowing, and Zayn must have really been panicking last time because he finally gets a good look at Hot Merman and -

“Liam,” he says, pointing an accusatory fin at him, “did you do this to me? Wait, why are you here? Have you always been a mermaid?”

“Merman,” Liam corrects, “my prince.”

And Zayn decides he’s not quite ready for this yet, and blacks out again.

\---

“My son,” Zayn hears, and the voice sounds so familiar, “what have they done to you?” Zayn opens his eyes and sees a large whale with a horn on its head staring down at him. Zayn thinks he should maybe be a bit more surprised, or maybe scared, but really, he’s just tired and quite a bit hungry.

“I’m not your son,” he says, and then he flops over onto his other side.

“It is as bad as I thought,” another voice says, “they’ve taken his memories along with his form, my king.”

“No one’s taken my anything,” Zayn says, “thank you very much.” The whale and his companion leave.

Liam, the merman, and really, Zayn is going to punch him as soon as he figures out how to do that in his new body, pats him on the head.

“Zayn, I know you’re scared, but you have to let us explain.”

“Not scared,” Zayn says, and then attempts to stick his head into the sand beneath him.

“Listen, you were once - and still are - the narwhal prince of the seas. Your grandfather, the High Narwhal, had waged a war against my grandmother, the Mermaiden, for dominion over the seven seas.”

“As one does,” Zayn says, head still lodged firmly in the sand.

Liam slaps him lightly on the back.

“The war was at a standstill for years, long enough for our parents to take the throne and there were talks of a peace treaty, so your father sent you and my mother sent me and, well,” and Liam the merman blushes.

Zayn sticks his head out of the sand.

“We didn’t,” he says, and Liam nods.

“But how does that even-” and Liam shrugs.

“Do you even have a penis?” and Liam shoves his head back into the sand.

“Anyways, when your father and my mother found out, they thought it would be an opportune marriage to end the fighting, but there was a rebel base that wanted the war to continue. So they cursed us - made both of us human and took away our memories. They weren’t expecting what happened, though. D’you remember when I left and -”

“Yes,” Zayn says, and he’s hoping that the whale sounds make it sound less pathetic than it does to him. Liam winces.

“Sorry about that, by the way, but let me explain. See, I was coming over to your apartment and I was walking across the bridge, when I heard a voice calling for help. So I dived into the water below the bridge to find the person who was yelling, and then, well, I woke up here, with all my memories and my tailfin.”

Zayn pokes his head out of the sand again.

“So you didn’t get bored of me,” he says, and Liam is surprised into a laugh.

“Bored of you? I don’t think that’s possible, Malik, no, I did not get bored of you.”

“Why don’t I have my memories, then,” Zayn asks, “and what was that whale saying about my form?” and really, it’s not proper how comfortable he is with that sentence, but then again, he’s also pretty sure his...whatever is a merprince, so perhaps proper isn’t the right feeling anyway.

“Well, you’re sort of stuck, it seems. Between human and whale. Like, everything about you looks like your previous form but it’s not quite there. Also, you still have hair, which is a bit funny, actually.” Zayn whacks him with his tailfin and Liam starts laughing.

“Maybe you should kiss me,” Zayn says, and Liam stops laughing suddenly, eyes going wide.

“Sorry, what?”

“Maybe you should kiss me,” Zayn says, more firmly, awkwardly swimming his way over to Liam and looking him in the face, “like in the fairy tales.”

Liam holds his face between his hands almost reverently and he looks scared, which is ridiculous, but Zayn is a whale, which is also ridiculous, and then Liam is kissing him and he can feel it down to his tailfin.

No, literally down to his tailfin. He opens his eyes and realizes his entire body is glowing. Liam is realizing it, too, and lets go to watch as Zayn is lifted up by whatever the fuck this glowy shit is.

“Liam,” Zayn says, and then the memories come back.

“Holy fuck,” Zayn says at the end, “I’m a whale.”

“No, you’re my whale,” Liam responds, and Zayn snorts.

“Louis’ going to flip when I tell him."

**Author's Note:**

> Come chill with me on [tumblr](http://louistomlilshit.tumblr.com) but also I understand if you don't want to after this.


End file.
